Ya’ll, I have completely wonderful roommates right now. And while they are crazy sometimes, it’s almost always crazy in a good way. So this post is not about them at all. It goes back a little bit further.
For three out of four years of college, my roommate situations have been solid. However, my freshman year was a little bit different. I was an unfortunate victim of random roommate placement. For some reason, I’ve told stories of my freshman roommate several times recently, and I thought that I could be of assistance to you.
If you ever need or want to be a crazy roommate, I have some ideas. Want to rid yourself of your current roommate? I totally have you covered.
Here I am on the day I moved in with the crazy roommate. I, obviously, was blissfully unaware of what would go down in Boone 109. (Also, note the lanyard around my neck. You can’t even pretend that I wasn’t a freshman in this picture.)
Anyways, here it is:
How to be a Crazy Roommate
- Start with lying to your future roommate about when you will be moving in. Tell her you’re moving in the same day, but really move in a week earlier.
- Even though you have been moved in for several days, do not be there to greet your future roommate when she arrives.
- On the first night of living together, have a boy who doesn’t even go to your school hanging out it your room when your new roommate gets back from orientation at 11:30 pm.
- Don’t sleep in your room on your first night of living together and leave your new roommate to be lonely and cry.
- Don’t wear pants. Ever.
- Insist on blasting the air conditioning even when your roommate is wearing 6 layers of clothing.
- Get scabies.
- Ask your roommate to have a sleepover in her friend’s room so your friends can sleep in your bed.
- Ask your roommate to switch rooms with one of your friends for the night.
- Don’t wash your roommates clothes after she is nice enough to let you borrow them.
- While your roommate is napping, allow a boy to take his pants off and get in your bed.
- While your roommate is in the shower, get into your bed with your boyfriend. It’s a good surprise when she comes back in her towel.
- When your roommate is in class, call her twenty times because you locked yourself out.
- Invite your family to hang out in your tiny room on Sunday afternoons.
- Have an awkward boyfriend who uses your roommate to help him surprise you in awkward ways.
- When your roommate goes to the emergency room in the middle of the night, don’t even bother to ask her what happened the next day.
- Keep old, nasty smelling Asian food sitting on your desk.
- Never say hi to your roommate when you see her in public.
- Let your roommate be charged for paint you ripped off the walls.
- After you no longer live together, defriend your roommate on facebook.
I’m sure there are other things you can do to be a crazy roommate, but these things should be sufficient.
They were enough to get rid of me after one year.
And furthermore, I am now terrified to random roommate placement in grad school. I feel like I deserve somebody normal this time. Please?
note: The year of living with this roommate was not ALL terrible, but by the end we were both ready to be out. I don’t blame her for most of it. We were nothing alike. It happens. Also, I’m not posting her name on purpose. I don’t know her now, and she doesn’t even go to school with me anymore. Wouldn’t be fair.