I haven’t posted in a while. & I don’t even really have a good reason why not. I can say it’s a combination of excuses like being-too-busy, not-feeling-witty, thinking-way-too-much, and being-unable-to-collect-my-thoughts. But you know, I just haven’t done it.
I’ve written a couple of entries, but they continue to sit in my draft folder because they just don’t feel right. At least not yet.
But here I am. I’m back (for now). So here we go. Let’s start with a confession::
I don’t like being serious.
I just don’t.
Serious conversations make me uncomfortable, and I feel awkward when people talk to me about serious problems.
Lately it seems like the only time I talk about serious things is when I’m complaining. And while that’s not good either, it’s a completely different issue.
Usually, when one of my friends initiates a serious conversation, I respond in one of three ways:
- Say nothing. (This is my response whenever it’s a group conversation.)
- Make some sort of joke in order to change the topic to something much less serious.
- Respond in a generic way that really doesn’t help the situation at all.
In case you’re unsure, none of these are good.
Normally, it’s not really a problem. I get away with being funny (or trying to be…) and remaining more or less happy-go-lucky.
But two recent situations have made me think twice about harboring this anti-serious attitude.
The first is this:: Last night, I was thinking way to much and pondering much more serious thoughts than usual. So what did I do? I decided to talk to a friend. I asked, what was to me, a serious question (albeit through a text message, but still), and I expected a serious answer.
Well, I didn’t get one. I got a joking and extremely indirect response. Frustrating.
And I thought, “The one time I work up the nerve and decide to talk about a serious topic, I can’t even get a good answer.”
The second situation is this:: I’ll admit that recently some of my friendships have been a little rocky. I haven’t had any big fights or arguments, but there’s a feeling of being distant. The feeling you get when you think people don’t care about your problems enough to ask, and at the same time think they don’t care enough to tell you their own problems.
In the back of my mind, I know this isn’t true at all. Because my friends for real care about me more than I deserve. But it’s just that feeling.
But then I realized:: Maybe if I, despite my awkwardness, opened up about my own serious thoughts more often, then my friends would
1. respond in a serious way when I did, and
2. be much more willing to talk to me about their serious stuff.
Because how can I expect my friends to respond seriously when I never do? & how can I expect them to share problems with me when I don’t respond seriously or share my own problems? & how can I expect them to ask me about my problems when they probably think that I don’t want to tell them anyways?
Answer? I can’t.
So here’s my goal:: I’m going to do my best to stop avoiding serious conversations. & even try to initiate them more often.
I can make no promises that I will be completely successful at this, but I will do my best.
And where will this lead?
-To a more serious me overall? Doubtful and hopefully not.
-To deeper relationships? Hopefully.
I’ll just wait and see. But until then, I’ll be here being open to all that seriousness entails.
The Hairbow Diaries 