How to be a Crazy Landlord.

Everyone wants to be something different when they grow up.  It’s strange to me that there are people out there who want to have jobs like being historians or being a surgeon and looking at blood all day, but I understand that some people just want to do weird things.  However, I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anybody who wants to be a crazy landlord when they grow up.

But, I know that a person like that may exist.  And it may be possible (though not probable) that they are reading The Hairbow Diaries.

So just in case that person needs advice on how to perfect there future career, I am going to share it. Our landlord here at Harriett Plantation, is so good at his career, that he has inspired me to do so.  For all intensive purposes (and to protect myself), I’m going to call him Larry. 

So here it goes. Be sure to take notes.

How to be a Crazy Landlord:

  • No matter how many times you meet your tenants, ask them their names every time you see them.  It is also a bonus to introduce yourself to them every time even when they obviously know who you are.
  • Never call before you stop by their apartment.
  • If you ever see a teenage boy (who happens to be one of your tenant’s boyfriend) walk into their house, knock on the door and demand to know who he is and why he’s there.
  • When you have multiple tenants, be sure to say rude things about the others when you’re talking to one of them.
  • If your tenant’s are college students who need cheap furniture for seating in their living room and therefore use a cot, do not ask them who’s sleeping on in and tell them it looks like a hospital bed.
  • When your tenants are gone for the summer, go into their house and read their mail.
  • If any of the mail you see happens to be overdue bills (that were already paid online), call your tenants and leave them rude voice mails and 8 in the morning.
  • While one of your tenants is at home for the summer, it is also good to move extremely large (and heavy) entertainment centers into their bedroom and tell them you put it there for clothes storage.
  • Then, after they tell you they don’t want it since they obviously can’t use a TV stand to put clothes in, refuse to move it out of the apartment.
  • When moving said entertainment center into another room, make the statement “I don’t care about them” in reference to your tenants.
  • It is also a good idea to drop by (without calling first) while your tenants have company over for dinner to talk to them about things that need fixing in their apartment.
  • Once you realize they have friends over and are in the middle of eating dinner, don’t be polite and come back later.  Stay and have a twenty minute conversation with them.
  • It is also good to see the six other college females eating dinner and call it a slumber party.
  • Then, of course, it is a good idea to not fix any of the things you came by to ask about.
  • As a bonus, it’s always a good idea to use being homosexual as an excuse for coming into the apartment when talking to one of your tenant’s fathers.
Following these steps will ensure your success as a crazy landlord. I can guarantee that your tenants will be frightened every time you leave them a voice mail or drop by their apartment unannounced.  

2 thoughts on “How to be a Crazy Landlord.

  1. Pingback: Shorter 405 vs. Appleton 1266. | The Hairbow Diaries

  2. Pingback: Lessons Learned from Living Like a (Sort of) Grown-up. | The Hairbow Diaries

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