Chain Email Corrections.

I found this chain email that I had received a while back and once again realized how ridiculous it is.  It’s a list of reasons for why girls like boys, and to put it nicely, it’s dumb.

So I’ve decided to make some corrections.  These things need to be cleared up.

1. The way they always wear their favorite cologne. This is not always a good thing, especially if their favorite cologne happens to be Axe body spray.  That stuff will cause you to suffocate.  Am I the only one who remembers how boys smelled after P.E. or practice in high school? You had to stay at least five feet away from them in order to not burst out in a coughing fit.

2. The way the run their hands through our hair.  This is no good either.  At least it’s no good for girls with curly hair like me.  If some boy tried to run his fingers though my hair, they might just get stuck.  And that would be extremely unfortunate.

3. The way that they look at you and you want to die right then and there. This makes no sense.  If I want to die when I look at somebody, that means I don’t like them. Why would anybody think wanting to die is a good thing?

4. The way that they casually put their arms around you. Well, I guess this one can be alright sometimes.  As long as they don’t do that weird pretending to stretch thing that you see on TV.  Or have pit stains.

5. The way that they kiss away your tears. Umm, this is kind of weird too.  Unless you have some sort of sodium deficiency, you don’t need to drink my tears.  That ain’t cute.

6. The way that they then get mad at how they can’t make your problem go away.  I mean, it’s nice that they want to help and all.  But if I’m already upset enough to be crying, I don’t want anybody getting mad at me.  I’m pretty sure everyone knows you’re not Superman anyways…

7. The way they show off around their friends, even though you both know that you would love them even if they missed a basket or two.  I’m not sure what this is talking about… basketball? Why do I care? Exactly, I don’t. Nobody likes a cocky guy anyways.

8. How there eyes light up at the result of 3 hours of preparing for your date. 3 hours? Are you sure they’re not just crying from exhaustion after waiting that long?  The only time I plan on taking 3 hours to get ready is for my wedding or something.  I’m busy. I got things to do.

9. How they always know just what to say to make you blush.  This isn’t good either.  Blushing usually means I’m embarrassed.  I don’t need a boy to embarrass me.  I embarrass myself enough already.  I don’t need your help.

10. How they sometimes think that they know just what to say to make you feel better, even if you think that it is the worst thing that they could say. Okay, this is getting frustrating.  Why would this ever make sense?  If this is the case, the boy may just be dumb.

11. The way they hold you close when you are cold. This one may also be alright in certain situations.  Again, just don’t smell bad or anything.

12. How they look at you when your mad at them and all your anger melts away. I’m pretty sure this only works with small children.  You don’t need to look at me, you just need to apologize.  That’s less creepy anyways.

13. How they always smile when you are together.  Are you dating a clown? Somethings wrong if your boy is always smiling.  You can be happy without being nauseating.

14. The way that they always let you win any game that you play together.  No thanks, I’m not stupid, and I’m not four.  Just play fair.  It’s more fun that way anyways.

15. …and then when you point that out to them they pretend to not know what you are talking about. This would just be frustrating.  Not cute, just annoying.

16. The way that they smile at you. This is okay too, as long as it’s not creepy.  I don’t like it when stranger boys smile at me.  Or old men. Or truck drivers. So this one depends on the person.

17. The way that you feel when they call to apologize after you had a big fight. Relieved? I guess I would like for a boy to apologize. Eh.

18. The way that they say I love you.  Umm, I guess this one is okay too.  As long as it’s reciprocated.

19. The way that they say I love you in front of their friends.  No thanks.  I despise PDA.  Your friends probably know you love me. No need to make them want to throw up.

20. The way that they touch and hold you so gently, like they are afraid that they will break you.  What am I, a baby? I mean, don’t beat me up, but I’m not a porcelain doll.

21. The way that they kiss you. Well, this one can be okay too I guess.  As long as you don’t have bad breath.  And same thing as #19, no PDA please.  Ever.

22. The way that they open their arms to you when you are crying.  I guess this is cute.  Sometimes.  Or you could just get me a tissue.

23. The way that they never admit that you hurt them.  I’m all for honesty.  No need to hold on to your man pride.

24. The way that they try not to cry when they are afraid that they are losing you. Losing me? Like I’m dying? Boy if I’m dying you can cry all you want.  I won’t judge.

25. The way that they think that they are your big protector, even though you
think that you are theirs. Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m not a protector.  And what is this “think” thing? The boy should be the protector…

26. The way that they say I miss you, even though they hate to admit it.  Why would they hate to admit it? Too much man pride again?  I understand, but it’s not too hard to be honest.

27. The way that you miss everything about them when they are gone.  This is okay too I guess.  Unless it takes over your life.  Then you need to move on.  There are other important things in life.

28. The way that they remember your special moments, or aniversaries when
you think that they forgot.  This is alright for big things.  Like a one year anniversary. Just don’t be one of those annoying people who celebrates when they’ve been together for 17 weeks.  Nobody cares.  Not even you.

29. The way that they apologize when they do forget. This is good. Apologies are always welcomed.

30. The way that they comfort you when you have a bad day.  Two okay points in a row, what do you know!

31. The way that you can’t wait to get home and tell them all about your day. I guess this one is alright too.  Or you could use something handy called a cell phone if you’re that excited.

32. The way that they write you love letters even if they think that it is uncool. Just don’t be mushy.  This one is questionable…

33. How they would rather be with you then their friends sometime.  Yeah, this one is okay.  As long as it’s only sometimes.  It’s never good to only spend time with one person.  Friends are important.

34. How you want to hug them even though they are all sweaty.  Eww.  Gross.  I don’t need your sweat on my body.  You can take a shower.

35. Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them… it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without a trace of sound, you know that your own life is inevitabley consumed within the rhythmic beatings of his heart. We love them for a million reasons, No paper would do it justice. It is a thing a feeling, that is only felt.  What does this even mean? My life is not a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Maybe ten of these were okay.  Who writes this?  I just hope nobody actually believes this thing.  Most of them don’t even make sense.

I don’t even have any witty comments to make after that.  Can you make money off of writing chain emails? Cause mine would definitely spread faster that this thing…


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